Weird feeling about Death

Hello, I am very drunk while writing this. *trigger warnings for bad and sad things*

I've been meaning to write this for a while to get this off my chest but while I'm sober I can't seem to let my thoughts free so here we go... My uncle died a few months ago and its been really weird.

I didn't really know him that well. My family did'nt either. I grew up on the other side of the world from him so I never really got to know him. He was also autistic and struggled to be himself around people. My partner and I lived with him in my grandma's house during covid while we were homeless and he was so fucking mean and rude to us. He always gave out to us for stupid little things but then would do the same thing 10 times worse. for example, he once gave out to us for leaving our gaming pc on overnight by accident while he had a whole fucking gaming rig, millions of lights, consoles and all sorts turned on 24/7 (which cost my grandma shit tons of money btw!)

I feel really weird about his death. On one hand, I'm really glad it happened this way round (my grandma and him were co-dependant, I don't think he would have been able to handle my grandma's passing since he was emotionally and financially dependant on her). He was also super controlling and manipulative of people (he had nursed my grandma back from a really bad fall but also made her dependant on him to the point she couldn't get up from the couch on her own. Not because she couldn't but beacuse he made her belive that she would never be able to without his help).

Obviously, on the other hand. I'm super sad. He was my uncle after all. Even though we didn't really get along and never got the chance to get to know him that well, he was the closest family I ever had. I grew up in Ireland, away from most of my extended family (cousins, grandparents, etc.) in New Zeland. I never felt close to the majority of my family apart from him because he would make the effort to visit us every few years when he could afford it.

He died very suddenly from a heart attack. I knew he had online friends, and since I was the only one in the family who would have the knowledge of how to try to get into his computer, and I would want my online friends to know if I had passed away, I wanted to try contact those friends. So I did. I managed to get onto his computer and contact those friends but that computer unlocked a can of worms I didn't want to open.

FOR CONTEXT: my uncle was a fucking talented animator/graphic designer. He worked for the big dogs such as Disney and pixar and marvel. He never dated anyone and according to my mum, never had sex. To us, he was just a chill autistic guy who liked animating, star wars and video games.

So, it did shock me with the amount of AI shite I found on his PC. He had FOURTEEN TERABYTES of AI gay self insert, specific fetish porn (so many I cant list) and star wars fanfiction on that pc. Fucking weird shit. Nothing illegal, just strange for him considering his background I guess. The computer is how my family and I found out his was gay (No problem with this btw, just have no idea why he didn't tell us since we are a very open family) We have all no idea why he didn't tell us. He had a whole friendship group of gay, ai loving, american loving, trump loving, furry, conservitive men on deviant art. One of them, flew to another country to MEET HIM IRL AND INTRODUCE HIM TO MY MUM AND MY GRANDMA!!! WHY WOULD YOU INTRODUCE A RIGHT WING FURRY AI GOONER TO MY SWEET GRANDMA!! He had made a latex suit fetish site back all the way in 2003 and had back ups of it. I dunno, it's just feels super weird to me. Maybe i'm a prude or something but I feel so violated. Like, I know people be into weird stuff but Idk, it's weird to think your 60 year old uncle was a fucking weird gooner who was and artist but also a massive simp to AI. WHEN HE KNEW MY ART AND MY GRANDMA'S ART HAD BEEN STOLEN BY AI!!!

I think the think I'm most mad about is the amount he lied and the amount of shit he left. This man bought an ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM KIT, so like 16 set of football jerseys, sock, boots and shorts and told my grandma that he accdenitally bought it but no, it was a fetish. A soccer fetish. HE GOT MY GRANDMA TO DRESS UP IN ONE OF THE FOOTBALL KITS AND POSTED IT TO HIS DEVAINT ART FETISH ACCOUNT!?!?!?! Bro was also a HOARDER. So many vintage consoles, comics, stereos, sex toys, song mini disks, all sorts of shit. And, I have to deal with it cause I'm the only one in the family who knows how to use ebay. MY PARENTS NEED TO MOVE INTO HIS FUCKING ROOM SO THEY CAN CARE FOR MY GRANDMA SO I HAVE TO CLEAR IT ASAP AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's weird. I'm SO MAD but also SO SAD at the same time. I need a holiday... I'm traumaised.

How to find sick and cool items at a chairty shop!

If you don't already know, I work in chairty shop. Over the few years I've worked there, I have bought insanely cool items of clothing a decor. I have heard a lot of people say that they can never find good things at a chairty shop but I think thats a skill issue! Chairty shop hunting is a SKILL. It takes time to figure out how to actually LOOK at things and figure out how they could work for you! When you go into a regular shop or online, those items are STYLED with other cute items to make you more likely to buy it! When you are hunting, you gotta do that yourself in you head. It takes time to learn but in the end, you will have a sick personal style thats completely YOU!

Anyways, heres a list of other helpful tips that will help you chairty shop/thrift!

• Go on a weekday, less busy means staff are putting out more stock. Try to go towards the end of the week because thats when staff are stocking up ready for the weekend. Also avoid school holidays and bank holidays.
• Go on rainy days. Rainy day means less people out shopping and means rails are less picked through and staff have more time to restock.
• Mid day is the best time to go. By then the new stock will be on the shop floor and it wont have been put for too long.
• Look through everything and try to go with a look book in mind. Be creative and make sure to check every section. Lots of things get mis categorised
• If you like sewing, always hit up the linen section. Great fabric in there!
• Develop a feel for high quality fabrics, helps looking through racks quicker and helps you find better pieces.
• Know your measurements and bring a tape measure with you if the charity shop doesn’t have a fitting room
• You can use an app like Indyx to catalogue your wardrobe before you go to the chairty shop so you can see what you actually might need or if an item you find will fit in with your other clothes you already own!

Hobby guilt

I feel super guilty about flip flopping between hobbies. Like, whenever I move onto the next I feel like i've wasted time, money, energy even tho I know eventually I will return to the hobby. I've always been a creative person, so I have felt this way since I was a little kid. But, I didn't have adult money then so I only stuck to hobbies that I could afford with the little money I saved.

I think I probaly have something up with me. My mum keeps telling me that her and I have ADHD but I am highly doubtful because my lovely mum has unfortunatly been sucked into into the wild west of facebook reels.

Anyways...
I feel weirdly guilty about the whole hobby thing. I only spend a day to maybe a month if i'm lucky, super into something but then I loose total interest, get sad, have a big cry and or a mini mental breakdown and then I move on to the next thing. I think the guilt comes from feeling like if I just put more time into it, I would become super good at the said hobby but then I always move on. So, I am adverage at many random things which makes me feel super un-interesting. Like, so many people are insanely talented and great at certain things but i'm just adverage at many. The whole jack of all trades is a master of none saying. I cannot just stick to ONE thing tho, I get so resentful of it. I know this cause I do this all the time. I start businesses, get bored and then start a new business. It makes me feel like such a failure...

The end is near...

I have completed everything in the Hello kitty's island adventure update, completed all the after story, nearly have gotten all steam achiements and I am starting to forget to play hello kitty daily. I think I might stop after I get the last acheivement...

Hello kitty's island adventure has had a big update...

Journal pages from Feb- Apr

🎀Hello Kitty and AI Girlie spiderman🎀

🎀

✨I hope you fall off a cliff✨

sad thing

More scraps and things

Scraps

First page and back of the front cover